really need to whinge and then later when i resent this feel like deleting it but not do it because i’m too lazy to turn on the computer again my skin is itching and has small lumps all over it after the stupid stupid doctor gave me different cream to try and i used it once before when i was early teen and it was fine then but for some reason it’s decided to react badly and it’s dry i think but definately itchy and driving me mental and definately not improving i have womens issues which hopefully is being fixed on wednesday but if it ruins christmas i’ll be mad mad mad hayfever again striking at 9pm why the hell would it come on then when it’s dark and there’s hardly any wind all i can think of is that i was outside for about twenty minutes today hosing off the chairs we need to use at christmas but that doesn’t make sense because it was 7 hours previous and i was only out there briefly and i didn’t think the pollen count was that high today anyway then the other thing it could be is maybe its a dust reaction and not related to pollen at all in which case i need to move house because i live in the dustiest fucking suburb in australia closely follwed by my last suburb mental health rapidly decreasing thanks to god knows what and all these stupid other mild complaints please god hit me with a sledgehammer and knock some sense into me so i stop complaining about these trivial things when other people are wondering where their next meal is going to come from or where they’re going to sleep tonight but while i am whinging i’m sick of being lonely and i’m sick of worry so please dear god give me a job after uni please please please or at least guide me to the paper that advertises it or the contact who arranges the interview i promise i’ll do the work from there also forgive me for not believing and forgive me if i don’t make it to midnight mass this year because i’ve prioritised work before worship because money makes a slave of us all so forgive me for that as well and please keep my family safe because i’m worried about my mother and i’m worried about my father and i’m worried that my sister isn’t worried about herself and i’m worried that my brother will wake up and realise he shouldn’t bother seeing us anymore and ignore us like my other brother so please god give me strength and forgive me for not capitalising your name but i haven’t capitalised i either but you’re more important than i so i guess that’s no excuse i just need to find that little reserve tank of petrol you put in me and switch over so i can last through the end of this year then next year when it’s a new decade i promise i’ll make a new me who doesn’t worry about what other people think and doesn’t worry too much about things she can’t change and doesn’t worry in general someone who feels safe
Apologies, my camera is playing up.
But here is my Gingerbread House! I used licorice allsorts, smarties, jubes, vanilla wafers…
I’m happy with it but it’s a bit messy thanks to my inexperience with royal icing. It was a bloody expensive venture though.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see in truth that you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ”
Christmas Update
Spreading the Christmas cheer, man.
Despite society’s efforts to bring me down, I rise to the top with cheer a-brimming.
- I finished my Gingerbread House today. (I caved and cheated with IKEA’s help)
- Went to Carols by Candlelight tonight and it was lovely. There’s something about hearing your voice amongst 35,000 other people.
- Have to make some cookies sometime soon. Mum is getting impatient with my inability to cook without making a mess. Can’t wait til I get my own kitchen :-)
- Set out cards, double checked spellings of names.
- Trying very hard to be nice to customers who are rude about their Turkey and demanding of everything. I’m getting increasingly frustrated with people’s inability to use the word “please”.
- Put up the fairy lights out the back, and I must say they look beautiful.
I’ll post some pictures of my Gingerbread House whenever I’m on next. Sorry for absence, trying to sort out life. I feel like I say this every week. Duuuuuuuuuuude.
Paint
Scriptwriting for Media
(the subject I’m studying at Summer School)
has made me realise that:
- You have to be crazy to get a job in the arts and keep it.
- The human imagination is a strange and wonderful thing.
- In fact, I suspect at least two members of the class are recreational drug users, to have come up with the ideas they have.
- Writing a story is a lot harder than I thought.
- I should be able to sit still for 3 hours, but I can’t.
- Learning a 13 week course crammed into 6 days is kinda fun. It’s like your brain is on overdrive
- This could be an alright kinda hobby
Plan! I'm just going to leave my door open and hope the beetle goes away on it's own terms. Fingers crossed.
(via mashburger)
“The beetle is now upon my person”
November/December
I’ve not been here. I can’t think of a solid reason why, I guess I’ve just been thinking about other things. It’s been a busy past month and it’s bound to get busier. Working in hospitality in the festive season is sometimes fun, but always busy. I can’t even think of what I’ve done in the past month to write down here. One day melts into another, except it’s not hot yet. After that one week of heat wave, we’ve reverted back to spring weather. Which I don’t mind at all. But I’m gearing up for the tropical climate in time for my holiday in January. I finished up the year at uni, except for one subject. I’m doing Scriptwriting for Media at present- 3 days a week for 2 weeks. I’ve had one day so far and I’ve found it quite refreshing. I’ve started going to the gym with some regularity. It hurts, but the rush of endorphins after make it worth it. I’ve also started to actively reduce stress. I’ve used some relaxation techniques and might try getting back into medidation. Oh, and tonight I took Moss’ suggestion and “…had a bath”. It was great until my Mother walked in to brush her teeth, and the dog’s next door started scratching at the door to be let inside. I have a feeling it’s going to take some work to get the hang of this not-stressing thing. Stressing is my default, it’s wrapped around me like a knot tied by an adept boy scout. I really want to try to relax. Try not to worry about things. If my brain had a pause button that would be fantastic. So it’s in with the lavender oil and out with the tightened jaw. Finger’s crossed.
Oh, and just a PS. Mum has agreed to make Christmas Cookies with me. I haven’t abandoned ship just yet!
What does it say about you?
I’m reading Tully by Paullina Simons.
I love The Bronze Horseman and Girl in Times Square also by her.
But this one, I don’t know if I can love it. It just cuts too deep. All this raw emotion and honesty about how horrible human beings are, and how lovely they are, it hurts. It makes you want to cry and laugh and cry and laugh and I can’t bear it. Who should Tully choose? I haven’t finished it yet. I’d say I have a fifth to go. Maybe, but I’m at the junction. If there is a junction, because as Robin says, Tully doesn’t make decisions. Should Tully choose to stay with Robin, who loves her, still loves her after it all, who has provided her with all she could ever want… or does she leave for California with Jack, Jack whom she loves. I think I want her to choose Robin. Choose Robin who loves you despite all your weaknesses, who has never asked if you loved him. Ash says choose Jack, shouldn’t you choose Jack who you love? Doesn’t love conquer all?
I just wonder what does your opinion of this say about you? Does it mean I’m a harsh realist, does it mean Ash is a softened optimist? It’s interesting, is all.
-Epictetus
These are words I should heed. I am a serious worry wart. I worry about everything. Constantly. I worry about the normal things, money etc, but I also worry about ridiculous things, a lot is often to do with how others perceive me or how I should act, what I should be doing. I try not to worry about things, but my upbringing has a lot to do with it. My Mother is also very good at worrying. A good tip is to write down what you are worried about and say to yourself, “I will come back to this list later”. Then you are supposed to find that you have already forgotten most of the things you were worried about in the first place! I have tried this a couple times and it wasn’t unsuccessful. It’s just very hard to change your mind when you have been thinking this way for so long.
Number 72
I’ve crossed it off my life list.
“Save enough money for an overseas holiday.”
This is only the second thing I’ve crossed off the list. I will be able to cross another one off once I get back: Climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
It’s sad when you realise you’ve grown up and no one wants to decorate the Christmas tree with you anymore, and doesn’t object when you say, “I’m going to get the tree out the shed, okay?”
I called my mother in the afternoon and asked if she would mind if I put the tree up. She has a bad back at the moment so I thought, if I put i up while she was out, she could help decorate it if she wanted when she got home.
She didn’t want.
At first I was pleased, because I like it just right and I hate it when people move my strategically placed decoration (yes, I’m aware this is grinchy behaviour)
Then I felt disappointed. When did it become OKAY for me to put up the Christmas Tree? When did it become OKAY for me to do it myself without supervision?
When my Mother got home she said it looked lovely, but could I put the box back in the shed tonight because it takes up too much room on the floor.
Sometimes the realisation that you’ve grown up really sucks.
PS: It looks a bit bare doesn’t it? I’m going to get some more decorations that comply with this year’s theme of Red and Silver.
Your name is awesomeProof that I jammed…and was excited about it!!
“What we lack aids us almost as much as what we have.”
Jean Guéhenno- Changer la vie, Actions de grâces
